I’ve always known what a miracle it is to be able to carry a child in my womb. It wasn’t until this past weekend that I truly wonder what kind of bond forms with a child inside the womb. Let me rewind 7 months. 7 months ago I gave birth to my wonderful surrogate twins. I had experienced complications after giving birth to them so I really don’t remember too much after giving birth. I remember the sound of them crying and thinking “wow, they don’t sound like my kids” and then looking at them thinking “they don’t look like my kids either.” At that moment watching the boys with their parents I felt like I had just watched my friend give birth to them. I feel that when God puts something in your heart and you follow through with it, then God will protect your heart. I did not have a bond with the boys. I did not want to keep them; I will, however, have a lifelong connection with them. The reason I did not have a bond with them was they weren’t my DNA. They were that of their parents. I’m still in such awe that we took the genetics of two other people and placed them inside of me. That is truly a miracle God allowed to happen.
The next day when I was feeling much better and back to the land of the living, I waited for my children to arrive at the hospital to meet the boys. We went to my friend’s room where the boys were crying. The boy’s parents were having a difficult time getting them to stop crying, and then my whole crew came in the room very loudly. At that moment the boys stopped crying, and my friend said “that is the first time they have felt normal since being born.” They knew my voice, my husband’s, and my children. They, however, did not know the voice of their own parents or sister. My heart broke for her. Here are these incredible parents who have been through so much heart break trying to have another child for all these years and their babies don’t know them. I knew at that moment I was going to keep my distance from the boys for a couple months so they would get to know the sounds of their parents, sister, dog, cat, and so on.
For the first 3 months I pumped breast milk for them, we texted, talked on the phone, and e-mailed. I loved hearing about the boys, how big they were getting, and the best was receiving pictures. I knew that after 3 months I really wanted to see them, but between their schedules and mine our weekends never matched up. In January the boys’ mom called and asked Tony and I if we would be the boy’s God-parents. Before she could even finish I was in tears and of course I said yes. I thought for sure she would ask one of her sisters or his brothers. She said that if it wasn’t for me she would not have them. I gave her the healthiest, best gift anyone could have given. Then she was begging for me to come and visit them. Two weeks later my husband, Ellie, and Dominic were on the road.
While on the road I was preparing myself for the boys not allowing me to hold them, since they have stranger and separation anxiety. I knew that I would be sad if that happened, but I had my husband to comfort me if it did. I was very excited to catch up with my friends too.
When we arrived their big sister came outside with one of the boys and I took him from her. I started to kiss, and talk to him. Then I walked into the house and greeted the other boy. Both boys stopped and looked at us and smiled. They had a look of, “where have you been?” I knew that they remembered our voices, but did not know our faces. I then sat and took turns holding the boys. They were at such peace with us. Every time I held one they would snuggle up on my heart and listen to it beat, play with my hair, gaze in my eyes, and then fall asleep. It made me really think that what goes on inside the womb is much deeper than we know. I now know that a lifelong bond does form inside the womb. Even though the twins didn’t physically know me, they KNEW me. They knew my smell, my heartbeat, my voice, and all that of my husbands too. Their mom and nanny wondered if they would remember me, and it was obvious that they did.
It also made me wonder when we meet our heavenly Father if it will feel the same way. I don’t know what he looks like, I don’t even know his voice, but I do know that when I’m called to His kingdom I will feel peace, love, calm, and security. I think that’s how my surro-twins felt when I held them; peace, love, and security.
I have to say it was a very memorable weekend and we can’t wait to see them and their parents for their Christening. I’m so blessed God chose me to carry these sweet baby boys, and allowing my husband and I to be a part of their spiritual lives too.
