A week after the twins were born, I went to our community pool and noticed a couple babies sitting in their mom’s arms. As I was looking at the babies my mind was trying to figure out if one of them was a baby I delivered. Remember that after I gave birth my body never clicked that I had given birth. I think now my mind is trying to figure out where the baby is that I gave birth to. It is a strange feeling when your mind is looking for something and it can’t find it.
It’s been 4 weeks since I’ve seen a baby and yesterday my daughter was babysitting a set of 1 year old triplets and a 4 week old baby. Of course, I had to come and see all the kids. It happened again. I was playing with the babies and my mind was trying to figure out, does that baby belong to me? I do not get sad by it and I still don’t want another baby. Even when I look at pictures of the twins, my mind still doesn’t process that they were the ones I gave birth to.
I was telling my husband over dinner about it, and how I wasn’t sure how long this would last. His answer was this could be one of those surrogate things that may never go away. It’s almost unfathomable to think that my mind could be always looking for that baby that will never exist. I also wonder if any of you other surrogates have experienced this too.
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