For blogger Stacey

This is for a fellow blogger Stacey, I can't make comments on your blog:( I really wanted to let you and your IP's know that we've been praying for those sweet boys and so happy for God's healing of them. Keep growing boys so you can come home soon!

Here is the comment I wanted to post:
I'm so happy the babies are doing well! Are the babies not able to be held yet by others? I'll keep praying for them and that they will be healthy enough for you to hold. I treasure the moments that I got to hold my surro-twins. Hope your day comes soon.

3 1/2 months update

How time goes by! The twins are now 3 1/2 months old. If you remember after the twins were born, my body never realized that I gave birth. That has all changed as of a couple weeks ago. I talked to their mom on the phone and she was telling me all about their personalities. At that moment she could have stopped talking and I could have finished telling her about them. I think that's when it started to click in my brain and then she sent a picture of them. At that moment of hearing about them and then seeing the picture it finally clicked. Not only did I give birth, but I gave birth to them. I started to cry thinking about how I missed them growing inside me, and how I know them so well but they will never remember me. They will never remember my voice, my children's voices, and even the sound of my heart beating. I had the "baby blues" for 2 days and then I was fine. I was experiencing all the emotions I should have had after they were born. It just took a couple extra months. I talked to some women in a support group I'm in who said it was normal and that once I see them and know that they are OK, I will feel better.

I'm hoping that in the next couple weeks I will be able to see those sweet boys. I want so much to hold them again. I am so proud of what I've done for those boys and want to see my accomplishment. I also stopped pumping 3 weeks ago. It was bittersweet. I was glad that I was able to give them the best start with my milk. On the other hand, I was ready to get all of me back. Ready to lose the 15 pounds I have left, not having to set the clock to be back home after 3 hours to pump, and all in time for my husbands 25 year high school reunion. The timing was perfect. The boys had 3 months of breast milk and that's more than some babies ever get.

Now to the questions I get most often:
1. How am I feeling?
The truth to that is great. I still have moments where my stomach cramps, from carrying so much weight. I've gotten back to running, but that's hard since I have an extra 15 pounds of weight that I have yet to lose. The one thing that is hard for me is that I forget that I just gave birth to twins, and need to take things slower so that my body can heal right.

2. How can I not have a bond with the babies?
Like I've said before they were never my babies or my DNA, so I blocked it out. They were not conceived out of love with my husband. Don't get me wrong. They were loved by me, but conceived for the love of their parents. I was the babysitter for those 9 months. Think about those single parents that have to go to war for a year at a time. Who watches those kids? Do those caregivers get attached to the children and want to keep them? My guess is no. They keep them safe, warm, fed, and loved until their parent comes back to get them. Does the babysitter miss them? I'm sure she does, but she is so happy that the child is back with their parent where they belong. That is how I feel. I was and am a proud babysitter of those sweet boys.

Where o where can my baby be?

A week after the twins were born, I went to our community pool and noticed a couple babies sitting in their mom’s arms. As I was looking at the babies my mind was trying to figure out if one of them was a baby I delivered. Remember that after I gave birth my body never clicked that I had given birth. I think now my mind is trying to figure out where the baby is that I gave birth to.  It is a strange feeling when your mind is looking for something and it can’t find it.

It’s been 4 weeks since I’ve seen a baby and yesterday my daughter was babysitting a set of 1 year old triplets and a 4 week old baby. Of course, I had to come and see all the kids. It happened again. I was playing with the babies and my mind was trying to figure out, does that baby belong to me? I do not get sad by it and I still don’t want another baby. Even when I look at pictures of the twins, my mind still doesn’t process that they were the ones I gave birth to.

I was telling my husband over dinner about it, and how I wasn’t sure how long this would last. His answer was this could be one of those surrogate things that may never go away. It’s almost unfathomable to think that my mind could be always looking for that baby that will never exist. I also wonder if any of you other surrogates have experienced this too.

Do you know your agency well?

I found this article today and wanted to share. I know there are many surrogates who have used or are using them.

A Poway attorney admitted to being part of a black market baby-selling ring on Tuesday.

Theresa Erickson, 43, and her conspirators created an inventory of infants by impregnating women overseas and selling the babies for $100,000 each, U.S. Attorney Laura Duffy said.
Erickson offered her baby inventory to unsuspecting parents, claiming the babies would be born from a surrogate mother but the original parents had backed out of the arrangement.
Erickson also admitted to submitting false documents to the San Diego Superior Court, which stated the unborn babies were the products of a legitimate surrogacy arrangement, Duffy said. Once the papers were filed the court, Duffy said Erickson would then add the names of the parents who had purchased the child.
Erickson also submitted claims to the State of California's Access for Infants and Mothers program to pay for the children's delivery.
Erickson is charged with conspiracy to commit wire fraud. She faces a maximum fine of $250,000 and up to five years in prison.
Erickson's co-conspirators and Carla Chambers and Hilary Neiman already pleaded guilty to fraud and conspiracy charges. Theresa Erickson is scheduled to be sentenced on October 28, 2011.

Not what I wanted to hear

Up until today if you asked me if I would do another surrogacy journey the answer would have been a definite yes. I loved being a surrogate, having a beautiful pregnant belly, and giving a couple a family. I had the most amazing experience with no regrets.

 

Today I had another doctor appointment to check my incision and to see if the stitches have dissolved. As of today, the stitches are still there, so no running yet for me. I did get the go ahead to go swimming and that might help the stitches dissolve. I go back in 2 weeks to check them and if they are still there, my doctor is going to remove them. I’m a little scared about having them removed. The good news is that I’m down another 4 pounds!

 

After talking to my doctor today and telling him that I would love to do this again, he had a look of shock. He told me he would not let me do another vaginal delivery and that I would have to have a C-Section. The reason is because I bled and tore so much he was afraid next time I may not stop bleeding and would need a blood transfusion. He said that would only work if my body could handle it. He also told me today, and I had no idea, that I had over 40 stitches! The babies were just too big and put so much pressure on my lower body. My doctor told me that I’m his only patient that has had that many stitches and after 40 minutes of working on me after delivery he wasn’t sure he would ever get the bleeding to stop.

 

After this conclusion, I decided today that I won’t do this again. I don’t want the recovery, pain and risk involved with a C-Section. I also don’t want to possibly bleed to death if I was to try a vaginal birth. I’m very sad about not doing this again, but maybe God will give me a change of heart in the future about a C-Section. I’m so grateful that all my birth plans have always been what I had hoped for and that my family is complete! I have no regrets over this entire process.

Coming out

Now that this journey has ended, I finally came out of hiding! On Sunday I was dropping my kids off at summer camp, and ran into a friend that works there. She had just found out from a mutual friend that I had given birth. She thought what I did was so amazing  and she had tears in her eyes. She told me that when God puts something in your heart and you follow through with it, then it’s meant to be shared with the world. At that moment I couldn’t agree more. On Wednesday I posted pictures of my journey on Facebook. I never thought I would put them on there.

It’s a little funny...as I was writing this, I got a phone call from my friend who owns a local newspaper. He has been asking me for months to do an article and I’ve turned him down. I will be doing the article after all!

Life goes on

It’s been 2 ½ weeks since the birth of the twins and it seems like a lifetime ago. My life is going on like it did before I was pregnant. Many of my friends and family have been wondering how I’ve been since the birth and if I had any bond with the boys. From the beginning I prayed that God would guard my heart and the heart of my children and he answered my prayers. I had no bond with the babies. When I looked at them it was looking at my friend’s babies. I carried and loved those boys, but not the way a mother looks, loves and bonds with her children.

In fact, the day after the boys were born I pumped around the clock every couple hours and got nothing, no milk, and no colostrum. I asked the lactician why that was happening and she said that my body has not recognized that I gave birth, to give it time and my milk would come in. After 5 days my milk finally came in on the 4^th of July. Now my free time is pumping for my surro-twins. Many people have been shocked that I would pump for the babies. Why would I not continue to still help these babies grow and thrive? In fact, one of the babies has a very sensitive stomach and is thriving on my milk. I’m so blessed that I can provide the milk to him and his brother.

I had my 2 week checkup last Thursday and all is healing well and there is no infection. I’m down 30 pounds with 15 pounds left to lose. I can’t believe how fast the weight is coming off! The babies also had their 2 week check up. “H” weighs 8 lbs and “W” weighs 7 lbs 3oz. I’m so proud of that.

I learned that the boys were the biggest twins that my doctor has ever delivered and the biggest that the hospital has ever had. And no NICU time too! Of course, that hospital has only been around for a year and half.

I have to say it’s been so great to have my 5 children keeping me busy. I think it made the transition much easier, as I had no baby blues. I didn’t with my #5 and I think it’s just being so busy, I don’t have time to cry or think about how I feel or should be feeling. I’m just proud and blessed at how it all started and ended. I have no regrets to being a surrogate and loved being able to finish a family’s dream of having more children. Seeing their face and hearing the excitement in their voice when they see or talk about their boys makes it worth it. I’m very blessed that my IP’s have allowed me to stay in their lives and have an open door to their home. There is not a day or moment that goes by that I don’t think about the boys. They will forever be a part of my life and a big part of my heart.